"Family"

Last night, a wonderful family member died.  It was sudden and unexpected news for us. We will be home in time for the celebration of his life.

In 1970 my imagination was captured by a mission education curriculum developed by the United Church of Canada, called “Live Love”. The premise was simple – we are known by how we live with and relate to other people, not by the words of faith which we speak. Having decided not to become a concert pianist  - too much time on the road  –  I decided instead to go overseas with the church to teach music, and there met my husband, Norio.

Just before I left for Japan, I was invited to dinner with an aunt and uncle in Toronto. They were just a little dismayed that their niece, my cousin Jane, was marrying “a Japanese”. They were concerned that because he was Japanese there would be too many cultural differences and the adjustment would be too difficult. I can still hear my aunt talking about what a nice young man he was, how much they liked him, and then a pause…….”but he’s Japanese.”  Cross-racial marriages just weren’t happening often at that time. Norio and I were married a year later, and I remember wondering what my aunt and uncle thought of that as well.

Fast forward to 1984, when Norio and I moved with the kids to Toronto. We were ecstatic to learn that there was a Saturday Japanese language school where our four boys could continue in Japanese studies. At the end of that school year, June 1985, there was a big celebration lunch where awards were given. My mother was visiting, and we were seated at a table with a first-generation Japanese couple. Introductions – my mother said “My name is Kay Vickers.” The other woman said “Vickers. My daughter-in-law was a Vickers before she married our son Allan. I wonder if you are related? Her name is Jane.” 

There are no coincidences in life, I am convinced. Fifteen years later, back in Toronto,  we meet the family of my cousin Jane, married to Allan Watanabe. Jane was just being ordained in the Anglican Church of Canada. I was working at the United Church National Office. We became fast friends with the Watanabes. At family gatherings Allan and Norio stood over the barbecue joking about themselves as “the Japanese houseboys”.  Jane joked that Mrs. Watanabe loved me because I could speak Japanese.  The Watanabes had been instrumental in creating the Japanese Heritage Language School, where anyone, regardless of ethnic background, could learn the language. I taught adults there for three years. My kids were thrilled that they had half-Japanese cousins.

Although he was ‘family by marriage’, Allan was more than that. He was *family*. His parents were *family* - as much as any of my relatives by birth.  There’s a big hole in our family now – and he will be missed. A lot. Family means many things – being related by blood is only one part of ‘family’.  So many other things are so much more important. Goodbye, Allan – we are going to miss you. A lot.